Interview with Lil Monster

ZOOMZOOM4: So let me ask you, what is your dream job? What would you like to do most for a living? And no, man-whoring is not an answer. We're not talking about your current job, remember.

LIL MONSTER: Blow. Seriously, LOL. I could do that for a living. And I wouldn't suck at it. Seasonal could be just one month a year, sucking random strangers, call it cum what may.

ZZ4: Okay So you would have to set a schedule. You can't just go diving into the deep end.

LM: Um, serious answer, well I don't know what you're asking. Do you mean my dream job, or my dream as in like rock star?

ZZ4: Well when I was a little boy I wanted to be President of the U.S. That was my dream job.

LM: Lol.

ZZ4: That was my "rock star." So yes that's my question.

LM: But you're backtracking now.

ZZ4: What is your total ultimate dream job?

LM: Well I like to write songs and sing. Lyrical poems and that sort of crap.

ZZ4: A folk singer? Or more rock?

LM: Well when I was a kid, I was into Frankie Goes to Hollywood and the Culture Club, then I got into Bon Jovi, Guns n Roses, Iron Maiden, Warrant, and it went rockier. It was a rocky road.

ZZ4: Do you consider yourself the adventurous type?

LM: I'm not sure, I'm mostly just in my little routine.

ZZ4: Pepsi or Coke?

LM: Poke.

ZZ4: LOL . alright. Who shot JFK?

LM: Trump probably. And junior.

ZZ4: How much do you love Wal-Mart?

LM: Well without 'em my roof wouldn't stay up, and don't call me Mart.

ZZ4: Okay, you CAN'T google this . just off the top of your head .. how many castles still stand in the UK? Not ruins. But still standing. Hey! I said no googling. What are you doing? Lol.

LM: I'm totally lost, there must me like 200.

ZZ4: 250 in England. 200 in Scotland. 150 in Wales.

ZZ4: Give me a minute, I will be right back, okay? My dog got out. Running down the street.

ZZ4: But in the meantime, here is the next question. Are you superstitious?

LM: No, I do all the wrong things ... break mirrors, walk under ladders, put shoes on tables and open umbrellas indoors and I never had any bad luck.. How the hell did the dog get out?

ZZ4: Okay I'm back. Well I had something outside the front door, and I meant to get it, but then the phone rang. So I went inside. Didn't close the door all the way. The dog loves to go out and mark her territory. Anyway. LM: Lol. Freeeeedooooom.

ZZ4: Do do you deliberately break superstition rules to see if you're ever going to have negative consequences?

LM: I wouldn't say I do it deliberately. No consequences, no.

ZZ4: Would you say you are the kind of person who gets a thrill from tempting fate?

LM: I have taken risks, but as I get older I take less risks. I used to drive fast and was loose with my pecker. Now I walk, and my pecker needs a blue M&M.

ZZ4: Would you consider yourself more Andy Warhol or more Jim Morrison?

LM: My eyebrows are too normal to be Andy Warhol. So I'd say Jim Morrison.

ZZ4: Have you ever once in your life danced to Abba? Be honest now. Lol.

LM: I have never danced. I don't dance. Unless you shoot at me lol.

ZZ4: You're a rocker. What kind of rock is your favorite?

LM: I like the progressive type, Dream Theater, Nightwish, anything that's crossover. Like Skindred Skindred are fun, have you heard 'Nobody'?

ZZ4: No. Too busy listening to Carson.

(LM sent ZZ4 a YouTube video)

ZZ4: Okay, watching now.

LM: Welsh band from Newport.

ZZ4: That is some crossover for sure. Does he even pigsqueal? Then get sort of reggae-ish. Slips so easily between styles. Very unique band.

ZZ4: So moving on with the interview . If you had a time machine and could take it anywhere, but only one spin, one trip . where would you go?

LM: McDonalds.

ZZ4: Lol. Okay. So that's why I always see you there.

LM: See, with time, backwards is way too risky.

ZZ4: Because who knows ... you may end up not being born. You'll vanish like Marty McFly.

LM: Yeah, or just get Parkinson's like Marty McFly. Is that too mean? Oh well,l I said it now. So I'd want to go far into the future, marry a 10-year-old and die a happy grey alien.

ZZ4: Big ambitions. Perhaps to make up for something else being small? Just joking.

LM: Yeah I have a giant massive huge . clitoris.

ZZ4: If you were a dog, and the front door was left open, would you run outside and mark your territory?

LM: No, that's taking the piss. If you were chasing me I'd run through all the hedges and when you got home I'd be sat there licking my balls like nothing happened.

ZZ4: If you were neutered, could you possibly still play canine-rugby? Or would you have to dress up like a knight and play American football?

LM: Can dogs play American football?

ZZ4: Oh yes. They can do anything. We have trained dogs to fly jet airplanes, believe it or not.

LM: Why do you need to wear full suits of medieval armour to play American football? And you keep shouting hut. But you live in houses. Makes no sense.

ZZ4: We mean Pizza Hut.

LM: Lol. Is that why you all fall like Dominos?

ZZ4: Haha. Yes, and our daddy is Papa John.

ZZ4: Okay. What is your opinion of marmite?

LM: I never tried marmite. The odds aren't good, and I'm not a gambling man lol. Says you either love it or hate it, and I can't take the risk.

ZZ4: So you wouldn't roll the dice on marmite? I did ask earlier if you were adventurous. Okay so we came full circle.

ZZ4: But one final question. If you were Jim Morrison and Andy Warhol gave you that phone in the movie, that could call God . EXCEPT . you could call anyone other than God. Who would you call? And what would you talk about?

LM: Anyone at all?

ZZ4: Yes.

LM: Well I was going to say Putin . and ask him when he is planning on making America great again.

ZZ4: If we'd only give him a chance. But he needs more local visits. He needs to go on a Charm America tour. With his bad ass Raybans, and Mr. Super-Spy demeanor to enthrall us. Needs to visit Iowa or something.

LM: Well should we do that thing where the interviewee thinks the mic is off and says politically divisive shit and then turns out the mic is on and everyone gets to hear it?

ZZ4: No, I just think Putin needs to get out of Russia more. Strut around the world stage with his sunglasses on.

LM: Thank fuck that's over, now I need to grab a quick pussy.

ZZ4: Lol. And I was going to ask what you thought about Beyonce's twerking. But another time.

LM: If Kim Kardashian twerked it would be like a rattlesnake with a suction cup face.

ZZ4: Okay so thank you for the interview. And the political commentary.

LM: When do I get paid?

ZZ4: Your check will be ready in 5 days. Today is the last day of payroll. Checks come out every Friday.